Alchemic DisArray
by SamuraiSirius
Summary: FMA Drabbles. Mostly humor...maybe more serious stuff later on. Enjoy FMA? Need a laugh? Then read and review!
1. Array One: Involving Gum

Array One: Why Children Shouldn't Be Given Gum.

It was a typical day at Central HQ. Warrant Officer Vato Falman, Master Sergeant Kane Fuery, and Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc were running around doing chores for Colonel Roy Mustang. Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was calmly polishing her gun in one corner of the office while keeping an eye on the Colonel who was reading the paper.

Suddenly Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda burst in the room with his uniform in disarray. He tugged on his over coat as he apologized, "Sorry I'm late. My alarm didn't go off this morning. By the way does anyone have any gum I didn't have the time to brush my teeth."

Mustang set aside his paper and his eyebrow twitched, "Second Lieutenant Breda that's disgusting."

Breda blinked as he sat down at his desk, "What?"

"Coming to work without brushing your teeth…fresh breath is the key to success."

"That's why I need the gum."

Falman popped up behind him, "Not brushing at least twice a day leads to cavities and gum disease. Do you know how much bacteria exist in the mouth?"

Breda turned to Falman, "What is this, a toothpaste advertisement? Give me some damn gum!"

Fuery handed Breda a stick of gum, "Here you go Second Lt. Breda."

"Thanks Master Sergeant Fuery. At least you aren't harping me about some stupid dental hygiene," Breda said as he popped the gum in his mouth.

Fuery sweat dropped, "Actually I just gave it to you because I sit across from you and I don't want to smell your morning breath."

Breda glared at the be-speckled soldier as he slipped away.

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

Edward Elric, state alchemist, stood hesitantly outside the office that was currently occupied by Mustang and his "crew." He was there for his latest report on his search for the Philosopher's Stone and was building up his patience so he could deal with the Colonel without blowing a gasket…as usual. His brother, Alphonse, stood awkwardly beside him. After five minutes of silence passed Al looked down at his brother, "Uhm…nii-san (1)? Aren't we going in?"

Ed growled in response and kicked open the door, "Hey! Colonel! I'm here!"

Ed was used to everyone looking up (or down as the case may be) when he entered a room; what he wasn't ready for was Second Lt. Breda to scream in shock and a strange pink substance to fly out of his mouth and land in HIS braid. Ed blinked and reached for the back of his head: a sticky substance was lodged in his hair. He tugged at it but it simply stretched and didn't come out.

The rest of the office stared on in silence. Al with a "look" of horror (although being armor he didn't have expressions but it's anime so we'll let it slide), Breda and Fuery shared looks of worry; wondering what the little alchemist would do. Riza, of course, was slight annoyance, knowing it would all end in chaos and possibly random explosions that she would end up having to clean up. Mustang and Havoc were very amused and shared twin smirks.

Finally Al broke the silence, "Ni—nii-san?"

Ed turned slowly to look up at his brother, his eyes large, "Al…is this…?"

Al nodded and then Ed shrieked, a vein pulsing on his head, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S GUM INBEDDED IN MY HAIR!"

"Nii-san ca—calm down."

Edward immediately turned towards Breda. He clapped his hands and transmuted his automail hand into a blade. He lunged at the terror stricken officer, "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Al, fortunately for Breda, was able to grab his irritated brother, "NII-SAN!"

Breda cowered before the child alchemist, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…you shouldn't have come barging in like that."

"A soldier should have more nerve," Hawkeye replied nonchalantly.

"Do you realize how hard it is to get gum out of hair," Edward groaned, changing his hand back to normal.

"Since when were you so concerned with your looks Full Metal," Mustang asked.

"Since I noticed you getting grey hairs and wrinkles, I realized we needed more youthful looking people around," Ed retorted with a sly smirk.

A vein in Mustang's forehead pulsed and he spun around in his chair…to check his reflection in the window.

"Couldn't you just get the gum out with alchemy?" Havoc asked.

Ed, having calmed down, was released by Al. He looked up to Havoc and shrugged, "I suppose."

Ed clapped his hands and put them to the back of his head. There was a bright flash of light and when it vanished everyone gasped or snickered.

"Well, women do tend to favor the color pink Full Metal," Mustang chortled.

Edward's eyes widened as he caught sight of his reflection in the window, his once golden hair was now pink…and sticky, "DAMMIT!"

"Gum is a mysterious substance nii-san. Maybe you got the composition wrong," Al said trying to, once again, calm his brother."

Ed seemed near tears, he didn't have time for this! He wanted to give his report and leave, "It's all over my head now," he whined.

Falman put a hand to the young alchemist's shoulder, "I hear peanut butter is good for removing gum."

"Nah…that won't work," Havoc said with a smirk, lighting a cigarette, "He'll just have to shave his head and be bald…though I imagine you can keep a tuft of hair like Major Armstrong."

As if by magic, Armstrong burst through the door flexing his muscles, "Did someone mention the Great Alex Louis Armstrong?"

Ed and Al looked from the Major to each other and then Ed freaked, "I DON'T WANT TO BE BALD!"

"Well you could _burn_ it off," Mustang grinned, his hand getting ready to snap.

Ed jumped back from the Colonel, "Oh no! I am NOT letting you set me on fire!"

Mustang pouted and Hawkeye stepped forward, "Come with me."

Ed blinked but followed the woman out the office and into the hall. Hawkeye shut the door behind them and all was silent. Then:

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Silence

The door opened again and Hawkeye entered with a large wad of gum in her hand which she promptly threw away. Edward stumbled in behind her, his hair blonde again but rather messy. Hawkeye turned to her fellow officers, "No more gum allowed at work." She then sat down and went back to work.

The men stared at her then all slowly turned to Breda, "This is what happens when you don't brush your teeth," Mustang said.

Armstrong popped up behind Breda, "Did I hear right? You have not been brushing your teeth! But beautiful teeth and gums are the path to a beautiful body! You want a body like mine don't you? Here I will teach you the brushing technique that has been passed down in my family for generations!"

The Major then grabbed Breda by his collar and dragged him out of the office; everyone stared in silence, thanking whatever they believed in that they brushed regularly.

-End-

Translation Notes: Nii-san essentially means 'older brother.'

Author Notes: No, I was not sponsored by any Dental Association to write this, lol. This came to me on a whim after reading other vinaigrettes and other humorous shorts. So this is my new "story" titled Alchemic Dis-Array (if you don't get it I'll explain some other time). The chapters will be random and may not even deal with one another. However I will try and keep the characters canon as much possible. If you have any suggestions for things you'd like to see the FMA characters get mixed up in that would be fine…though I already have a lot of plans for them and this little story. Thanks for reading. **REVIEW!**


	2. Array Two: Involving Santa

Array Two: Why Santa Gave Coal To Everyone Except Al.

Dear Santa,

Hi Santa, it's me, Roy Xavier Mustang. I just turned eight a few months ago and now mom says it's time for me to write you my Christmas list. At first I was going to write you and ask for a new train set since Maes busted mine again (he better be on your naughty list by the way) but then this new girl moved in next door.

Her name is Riza Hawkeye and she is the toughest girl I know. See me and Maes were playing ball and Maes kicked the ball too hard and it went flying right into her face. Needless to say I thought she was going to cry but instead she walked over to Maes calmly and then decked him. It was the greatest thing I'd ever seen. So that's the first request I have for Christmas…that you make it so Riza decks Maes again. I want to see him cry like a little girl he's such a pansy.

Also for Christmas I would like to be made Brigadier General or maybe even Furher. I was talking to Riza and she says when she gets older she wants to marry a useful man who can give orders and kick ass (her words not mine so don't get angry at me for using the word 'ass'). So if you don't make me Furher I guess I'll just have to do it myself…but it would be nice if you put in a good word for me.

Oh, one last thing. I want a pirate outfit for Christmas. Riza says she loves pirates and wants to marry one someday. I know, a little weird, but she's so awesome. Send Riza a pretty white dress too…with a short skirt. She doesn't like dresses but I think its cute seeing a girl with scabs on her knees.

Merry Christmas,

Roy Xavier Mustang

P.S. Don't forget to have Riza deck Maes…oh and possibly give him some coal. Did you know he was throwing rocks at Riza's dog yesterday? He was a pretty good shot too…then Riza one upped him by hitting him dead in the eye with a rock. I heard he needs glasses now…but he still deserves coal for hitting Riza's dog.

* * *

Dear Santa,

Hey fat man! This is Edward Elric. I don't even know why I'm writing you considering you don't exist. Al's making me…in fact he's sitting on the other side of the room right now glaring in my direction every few minutes making sure I'm writing. Al said I'm supposed to tell you my wishes…I don't see the point since YOU AREN'T REAL! But for Al I'll do anything so here's what I want. I want a book on alchemy. Mom likes me doing that so I want to make some more stuff for her.

I could also use a new doll for Winry. She didn't like the one we made for her with alchemy…it scares her I think so get a doll for her. Also get Al a kitten…I'm tired of hearing him whine about it.

Signed,

Edward

P.S. I just wasted five minutes of my time for a man that does not exist…be glad your not real fat man or I would totally kick you right now.

* * *

Dear Santa,

Well Santa I don't know if I can say the same for my brother but I have been a very good boy this year. I drank all my milk and even some of Edward's. I saved a homeless cat and even cleaned my own room. So Santa I just had a few things I wanted for Christmas this year. First off can you prove to Ed that you exist? He says that no one can travel the world in one night and when I said it was magic he laughed in my face. Don't punish Ed for that though…he just doesn't know any better. Maybe you could make him taller…then he'd believe in you for sure.

As for me I just want a kitten. Mom wouldn't let me keep the one I rescued but I bet if you brought me one she wouldn't say no. Ed doesn't really like cats but he said if I got one he'd put up with it. Thanks so much for reading my letter Santa. I'll be sure to leave you milk and cookies. I just hope Ed doesn't eat the cookies first…he's bad about not leaving stuff alone.

Love,

Al

P.S. Try not to be too hard on Ed, he may act bad but he's really the best brother ever so if he's on your naughty list please take him off.

* * *

Author's Note: It's not Christmas but I just had to write these. REVIEW 


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